Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down? 6. Then get it yourself you lazy good-for-nothing idiot.. What a cute bunch of cows! she remarked. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a steam locomotive? Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. 80. 41. Its hard to find anyone with more focus than a train driver. I need a taxi urgently. They were still arguing when the train hit them. Hes my arch enemy.I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilots jacket and hat.You wanna know why I love trains?They end my suffering.Why was I stress eating on the train track?To wait to get hit.Why cant a steam locomotive sit down?Because it has a tender behind.Why did timmy drop his ice cream coneHe got hit by a train. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. Me: The station You can do it. Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. His mum says from the storks. Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt. By following the tracks.Who solves railway crimes?Scotland Train-Yard.What happened to the man who took the evening train home? Theyre not the conductor.Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? A lady passenger got off the train at the newly built standard gauge railway station at Jamestown, with a child in her lap and 2 suitcases. A locomotive conductor can only think of one thing at a time. Q: Whats the difference between a teacher and a train guard?A: One trains the mind, the other minds the train. Its a freight day to go for a ride on a train. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly., 55. It would be awesome if you let us know when jokes go too far. Without women sex would be a pain in the ass. 2.-. Every detail needs to be kept track of.The conductor kept telling me funny train puns, and it was hard to keep a freight face.Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. I know someone who tried to runaway after camouflaging a railway. people look at you funny as they drive by while you are standing out in the middle of nowhere by a railroad track with a tripod and a camera. He had to give it back.How do trains hear?Through their engineers.What do you call a pretend railway station?A play station.Why was the train engine humming? Otherwise she wouldnt untie us from the tracks. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. seeking at him, another man said, Young man, you should be in better shape! Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. Passenger: How long will the next train be, will it run on time?Porter: Same as usual, sir; three carriages and it will run on rails!. How do locomotives know where theyre going? Yo mama is so dirty, she's like a hockey player only showers . Q: What do you call a locomotive with a cold?A: A choo choo train. They have a tender behind! What sort of car does a crazy person drive? His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. Deep. It was a tram-endous opportunity. I want you to be the girl who takes my virginity. The ex-press train. 40. Son: Dad, I want to be a train conductor but I dont know where to start. 87. *Ok, this might be a slightly exaggerated promise. 3. I assume you want diesel power.. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please., Ive been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and Im getting really annoyed, It keeps asking me, Where do you want to go?. you enjoy being woken up at 2:36 AM by the sound of a train passing by. Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids, Hey, a train just went by!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[336,280],'laffgaff_com-banner-1','ezslot_5',660,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-banner-1-0'); Because its tracks are still here!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_6',661,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_7',661,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_1');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_8',661,'0','2'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_2');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_9',661,'0','3'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_3');.large-leaderboard-2-multi-661{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:3px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:3px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;min-width:300px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. Being a conductor is more difficult than it looks. This is an absolute requirement if youre actually on a train, but dont be afraid to randomly bring one of these up in casual conversation as well (maybe when youre meeting the parents). A railfan was walking along the tracks when he came across an old lantern covered with ash and dirt. Q: What do you call a train that eats toffee? now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); The police made him give it back. Q: What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?A: Oh good! Give an unforgettable gift and make your loved ones laugh today! /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. Its a slowcomotive. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. A chew chew train. To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister. I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training.When the train engineer decided he wanted to run for office, he put the development of brailways for the blind as his main priority.How do locomotives hear?Through their enginears.What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat?Here comes the choo choo train!How do you find a missing train?Hire an expert to follow the tracks.The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. His heel comes off! Naughty trains! OMFG! 13. Score: 687. Everyone had on platforms. When he got down at the destination station, he told the station person that he wanted to lodge a complaint against the railway staff. You can see its tracks! 92. Knock, knock!Whos there?Quintus.Quintus who?Quintus the next train leave?Knock, knock!Whos there?Alpaca.Alpaca who?Alpaca the suitcase, you see what time the train leaves.Knock, knock!Whos there?Betsy.Betsy who?Betsy of all, the train ticket says first class.Knock, knock!Whos there?Chew.Chew who?You sound like a chew-chew train.Knock, knock!Whos there? He doesnt care that he cant drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. Because they cant even put on a skeleton service! Oh, and did I mention that with every purchase, youll also get a FREE greeting card and a pendant? We know all about your little banana trick, and youre not escaping this time!. saying: "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off. The train departed. Every detail needs to be kept track of. to Chicago. Before you continue reading the other 95 train jokes, puns, and crazy laws, I want to share with you a top I put together especially for people who like a good laugh! They ask him what hed like for his last meal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees whats happened and asks the desert man, Whyd you ruin my good tea kettle? The desert man replies, Man, you gotta kill these things when theyre small., 48. Q: What do you call a pretend railway?A: A play station. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. Q: What wobbles when it flies? 1. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training. 46. More jokes about: sex. The I Choose You T-shirt is our second choice because of the cute train pun. Choose your size on Amazon. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. That train was putting his pantograph near that other train's bi-directional trainset coupling! 24. I guess that's why I like monorails so much! You look so good; I wanna kiss your lips and then move up toward your belly button. If you can make people laugh with only one or two sentences - you can call yourself a truly funny person! Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. Through their enginears. Jack: Did you hear about the Model Railroader whose layout got trampled by a herd of buffalo?Fred: No, whats he doing now?Jack: Remodeling., 65. Did you give him the banana? demands the head guard. My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. youve been questioned more than once by the police asking, What are you doing parked by the tracks?. A chew chew train! There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." When he got in he said to the ticket man, Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. 75. As hes helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, Man youre lucky I was here to help! I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. The Daily English Show. When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on. 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. A: Because it has a tender behind The crossing lights are not flashing and no trains are coming, but you slow to a crawl and look up the track both ways in hope of seeing a train. Police put out an alert that they are looking for two hardened criminals. If you thought we were on the right track with these hilarious puns and jokes about trains, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: 2023 LaffGaff.com. The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and nothing happens. A train with a coal-d. My buddy made the grand final of the national model train competition. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,". Things such as trains and train toys have something memorable, funny and inspirational to offer. I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you. So unlike a lot of the other sites out there, we took the time to carefully collect and improve the very best train puns and train jokes you can find online. Q: Why can't the engineer be electrocuted? As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. Predictably, hes hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, hes at his friends house attending a party. 2. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel. you time your errands around town based on the train schedule to spot trains and get groceries. Q: Why dont elephants like to ride on trains?A: Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car. Why did the elephant refuse to travel on the train? I always like chewing gum on the train. One turns to the other and says to him, Look at this guy!The other guy replies, Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim., 57. Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico? The train conductor was a very sneaky woman, she always had a track or two up her sleeve. The man starts running in mid-air. One day an engineer calls the dispatcher and asks him for the time. The fabric is made of ultra-soft combed cotton to get that comfortable fit and feel and comes in every size possible from Small to XX-Large. Later, as the man had said, he did fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized he was in Frankfurt. Run faster! They are clean and easy to entertain kids. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. It had forgotten the words.Why do you have to wait longer for a train on Halloween?Because they run a skeleton service.Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?They say he had locomotives.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train?The teacher says, Spit out your gum, but a train says, Chew chew!Why are dolphins so smart?Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!What do need in order to crash a train?A bad track recordTo become a licensed, airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. Lets check them out! But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free. 70. Achoo choo train.Railroad workers arent what they used to be. Believe it or not, putting salt on a railroad track in Alabama was once punishable by death. His shoes start to smoke! A locomotive. Why are you laughing?Gordon smiled, They only came to see me off.. Its a gift youll definitely want to get for your loved one. 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side, 145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor, 155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech, 150 Hilarious Tree Jokes to Fresh Your Mind, 152 Hilarious Wine Jokes to Make Conversation More Enjoyable, 151 Hilarious Tomato Jokes That Are So Juicy, 151 Hilarious Tennis Jokes Guaranteed to Leave You Rolling. Ive always liked one-liners. Top 1: Train Wreck This Isnt Your Station. How do you make the locomotive olympics? A: Because he's not a conductor! In Wisconsin it was once illegal to kiss on a train. Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station. Have you reached the age of a grown-up? It was a tram-endous opportunity.The conductor was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.Theres a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. How can you tell a train just went by?A. 97. Young Gordon was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Reading station when they heard a whistle. Q: Why is it not safe to doze on trains?A: Because they run over sleepers. Its a freight day to go for a ride on a train.If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job.He was there come train or shine.You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails.The conductor was right in the middle of her presentation when she lost her train of thought.Embarrassed, she quickly disembarked from the room.Did you know that train conductors make great thieves?Theyre really good at covering their tracks.Its hard to find anyone with more focus than a conductor.They have complete tunnel vision.How does a train avoid detection?It covers its tracks.I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed.He told me it was hard to keep track.Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween?Theyre running with a skeleton service.I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day.I took advantage of an end-of-the-line sale.Its always great working with a train conductor.Theyre always ready to take one for the steam.What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers?A chew chew train.Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry.Make sure you dont yank their train!Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor.Theyre quite at-track-tive.Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. It was an ex-press train. He first punches a hole in the new bulb. 38. What do you call a locomotive that keeps sneezing? They all have one-track minds. Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. Whats the angriest piece of track? 100 + of the Best Laffy Taffy Jokes. The story is about a woman on the train who was travelling the entire route and kept on asking the conductor what time they get to Alice Springs. Whats going on? she yells out of the window.Cow on the track! replies the conductor.Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace but within five minutes it stops again. Apparently, it's an end of line sale. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Thats why Im a fan of monorails. The train was about to pull out of the station. At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death. Location: Melbourne, Australia. A minor slip-up could have devastating consequences. A passenger train is creeping slowly along. Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. They can never decide on a root. Your email address will not be published. A single banana, he says. What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? He starts to slow down! Sure thing, no problem. Every detail needs to be kept track of. Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?A: Platform shoes! 29. He had to keep track of everything! Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:The berth rate has gone up since your last trip., 78. Yo mama so dirty, she sweats mud. 86. Its a slowcomotive.Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. I took advantage of an end of the line sale. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. I want my money back!While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them. 69 SUPER Dirty Jokes for Adults Only 2023 (with Photos) 69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes) by Eric Russell - 23 Mar 2022 Sense of Humor Not every joke needs to be family-friendly or G-rated. After that, I picked up the pace quickly. Before he faces his sentence, hes offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.No, I admitted.Then that explains, she said, why you didnt bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train., 54. All three fork over the money. Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. Railroad Tracks The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. Youve got to hand it to them, 37. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, Yes I am., He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The This Is Not A Drill T-Shirt was made for that special member of your family whos always on duty whenever things break down in the house, for the special grandfather whos always busy making stuff in the workshop. Hire an expert to follow the tracks. That's the hospital where I had it done!" Look no further! You can see for yourself what I mean by scrolling through this list. Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams! It was an end of line sale. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how hed done it. He lost on points. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didnt know what it was. I guess hes just really into one-liners.Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam.A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesnt go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought.Train conductors are clever and known for their engine-uity.What do you call a train with buble gum?A chew chew train.My boss yelled at me the other day, Youve got to be the worst train driver in history. After a few times the conductor begins to become a bit impatient. Finally, when it stopped for about the hundredth time, one of the tourists got out, walked to the front of the train, and asked the train-driver, cant you go any faster?Oh, yes sir replied the driver, but Im not allowed to leave the train., 49. 22. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks an Irishman. Sir, we dont stop at Victoria, the collector said. So I click on the icon that says Home and then it makes me start again. A bulldozer; Why don't trees use the train? Sure hold on a second., The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, Im sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train., The man says, I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.. 71. you have a scanner in your car tuned to the train channels to have a heads up on their locations to intercept them at crossings. By Mlanie Berliet Updated April 25, 2023. No matter the setting, these 50+ hilarious, unsavory jokes are never entirely appropriate. Q: What happened to the man that took the 5 oclock train home?A: He had to give it back! I've always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. How are you going to travel without a ticket? said one perplexed accountant. Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?A: There wouldnt be any. 88. 16. After that, I picked up the pace quickly. Every time the train stops she asks him. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. The T-shirt is 100% cotton, comes in sizes from Small to 2-XL, and can be easily cleaned with machine cold wash. I used to be a railway engineer but I kept losing my train of thought and going down the wrong track. Q: Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween?A: They only run a skeleton service. room with a train. Then the train will run again." "No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. Little Johnny asks back, "Then who fucks the storks?" Woah there, Little Johnny! 74. But I have to get off there! he insisted.Well, there might be one thing I can do.

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